At work, one of the volunteers at the library who has known me since freshman fall commented on my college journey, saying: "And you haven't changed a bit! You don't look any different, or older. You're still, just, you!" I will take this as a compliment paid to my undiminished self and my powerful sense of identity, not as a veiled suggestion to go get a makeover. She is a very sweet southern woman with impeccable poise, so I would probably love whatever she says to me.
Then I had the opportunity to do some memory lane-ing with a friend from WorldTeach Costa Rica, who also happens to be writing her dissertation on international volunteerism. She also interviewed me during orientation and mid-service that summer, so her transcripts literally trace the first steps of my ideological journey through international development. As I spoke with her today, I found myself sharing all sorts of contrasting details and opinions from my time abroad and its effects on the organization, my host community, broader international development, and myself. Where I thought I was feeding her an incomprehensible load of mush, she listened to me very seriously, asked insightful follow-up questions, and--after the interview was over--told me how much I've changed and how much more nuanced my answers have gotten.
This one-two punch of self-awareness made me realize something I already sort of knew about myself: that I am a complicated person. While my brother was the child to garner the Little Big Man label of contrary, I am probably the child with more gray area, wiggle room, and general indecision that creates contradictions. I simultaneously have no idea and every idea about what I want, think, feel, believe in life. This paradox keeps cropping up, in matters of religion, profession, & sexuality, especially. Up until now this wasn't a palpable problem/issue, because I have been on a pretty straight path towards 'success' (whatever that is) since birth. But now I'm soul-searching, and coming up with a lot of difficult-to-organize material.
For example: boys.
For the last week I've been seeing somebody, which is in itself an unusual thing for me. I tend to stay in the "friend zone" with guys, which is a state of affairs I've often lamented. However, with the way things are going, I realize why being friends is my handleable status quo. [sidenote: how public is this blog? how many people are reading it?] To sum up for the public-ish readership, he's a really great guy, but we're having tension over what I'll call "boundary disputes." Dates are great, he's a wonderful conversationalist and has really impressive career goals (Miekes, he spent the summer doing political research in Ghana!), but when it comes to intimacies we have pretty incompatible views. Which I'm going to blame on my virgin-whore complex (title (c) my fabulous roommate, Emma) where I'm internalizing all the mixed messages I receive at the axis of society-religion-myself...and then passing them along to this poor guy, who obviously has his own ish to deal with. Easier to stay friends and avoid the drama, right? Especially during theisi season/senior spring.
Then there's the second second example: the future/changing the world.
I am nearly 3/4 of the way through the Peace Corps process -- just at the point between nomination and invitation where I want to tell everyone about it, but the news I have to tell is not yet a sure thing. I have accepted a nomination from my recruiter to be an English Teacher leaving in October to the Pacific Islands. What that means is that I have agreed to be passed along to the placement officer, who will decide from the range of positions in the 6 PC Pacific Island countries whether or not there is a spot for me. If there is room and I am fully qualified, I might be expecting an offer anytime between now and October. As advised, I'm practicing my PC skills of patience and flexibility. (but wouldn't it be nice to know for sure, now?)
I am anticipating this possible life change by reading books on the Pacific Islands by J. Maaren Troost and by trying to stay more current with world news. As I'm doing this, I'm developing into quite the cynic-idealist. Perhaps my dissertation friend would just call that "nuanced", but I am questioning and arguing almost everything. For instance, Miekes, if I had read that really stirring quotation from Nehru in your last post a couple of years ago, I would want to copy it down in a notebook as unquestionable wisdom. But reading it just after my South Asian history midterm actually just made me think about Nehru's words in the context of the catastrophic power-struggle and royal screw-up that was the 1947 Partition ... Nehru was a key player there, and probably spoke these words after the fact as Prime Minister.
Maybe that's the other side of seeking adventures "with our eyes wide open"; that is, taking everything in the good with the bad and learning from it. The world is beautiful. The world is a disaster. The world is the world.
A great example of this is winter in Boston. It's long and cold and can get you down. But look at the sunsets! Look at the snow! It's really a very lovely place, too. (Also, both of these photos are from my cameraphone ... sick!)
Either way, there is lots of love from this East Coast dot eminating towards you Westies! You are uncomplicatedly dear to me. All I have for you is LOVE!
See? I'm a cynic-sap!
...
Mox
